Summer is upon us and the latest installation of the most beloved Hollywood saga on planet Earth, Fast Furious, currently smashes the box office harder than a bunch of drunk girls in a closed kebab display case.
Twenty years after the first F&F film, F9 had the biggest box office opening since 2019 and the highest grossing opening weekend of the post-pandemic era to date, which goes to show: people only want one thing, and that They’re big fucking vehicles crashing into each other at high speed and volume, at the hands of tough individuals who look like they can drag you like an empty tracksuit.
So as British audiences flock to their IMAX theater or the nearest industrial chain to pour vodka into an Ice Blast and get energized in droves, I asked the WWE Superstar and the recent addition of the franchise, John Cena, to invent wrestling names and characters for each member of the Almost family. Here is his work:
Vin Diesel (Dominic “Dom” Toretto)
“So we’ll start with the simplest: Vin Diesel. That name says it all already: he could literally be a WWE Champion tomorrow.
“I think you have to have something that somehow sums up your personality or provides the audience with advice based on first impressions. Vin is in excellent physical condition, and the way he operates in combat – I would know it firsthand! – it is very advanced and it has the torque and power of a Diesel truck. So I honestly think that’s an appropriate name. You wouldn’t have to change anything.
“The entire cast of F9 are kind of like full-fledged WWE Superstars. The movie is kind of designed for that, and I think that’s one of the interesting things about the franchise. You look at both entities – WWE is a worldwide success and Fast Furious be successful globally – they stick to their core but are not afraid to grow. They are very similar. “
Ludacris (Tej)
“There are wrestling identities that are just lay-ups and, like Vin Diesel, Ludacris is one of them. Ludacris would be great. With hip-hop, not only do you have to be proficient at what you do, but you also have to create a personality for yourself, and Lud did such a good job creating that personality.
“Hip-hop superstars work very closely with WWE superstars, and I think he could literally crack and make the transition. Another great example is Bad Bunny; Bad Bunny comes from music, played WrestleMania, and it’s like he’s been here forever. So I really think Ludacris would do just fine! “
Michelle Rodriguez (Letty)
“Michelle is a difficult person, because she is such a beautifully complex personality. She is extremely brave and courageous and wants to challenge conformity in the best possible way. It was on this one that I racked my brains.
“Honestly, if you had to sum up her personality in one word, she’s energetic, but she’s also so many other wonderful things, and I don’t mean something like ‘The Destroyer’ because she doesn’t just destroy. , she has such a solid purpose. You can tell I really thought about it. I think I have to press the button to phone a friend! She has this amazing curiosity about her, like you can know all of her story and you would like to know more. “
Helen Mirren (Queenie)
“There must be some royalty involved here, like ‘Queen Helen’ or ‘Queen Mirren’, and she would be very full of pomp and elegance. It would be her. She was sweeping the ring with a large cloak, and she wouldn’t even take it off – she would have people holding the end of it. That kind of pageantry, I think, would be wonderful. “
Charlize Theron (Cipher) and Nathalie Emmanuel (Ramsey)
“I think Charlize and Nathalie would probably argue over the name ‘The Genius’. It’s been a character in WWE before, but I would love to see him reborn in two forms as they both use their intellect to solve problems. in Almost.
“I think we could call Charlize ‘The Evil Genius’ and Nathalie ‘The Genius’ – and now we have a makeshift WWE script ready to go! I can absolutely see them being rivals, and they would fight to see who is smarter. “
Kurt Russell (Mr. Nobody) and Michael Rooker (Buddy)
“I think Kurt and Rooker would go head to head for ‘The Last Outlaw’. They both have these stoic traits – Rooker might be a little crazier, but what a square it would be. They might even be a team called ‘ The Last Outlaws’. “
Tyrese Gibson (novel)
“This one is fun. Tyrese could in fact be Roman – he could revert to the Roman Empire and he could be heralded with trumpets, upon a king’s welcome. Interestingly enough, there is a character in WWE called Roman Reigns, so if we could take Tyrese’s Almost character and turn him into a WWE personality, he has a main event storyline built in with one of WWE’s most well-known superstars today. “
Cardi B (Leysa)
“Cardi B would also be a hell of a WWE superstar. What I admire most about her is that she is authentically herself – through good, bad and indifference – and I think that is an admirable quality. To have enough confidence and love in yourself to be yourself in any situation, I think that is very impressive. She is so identifiable as Cardi B that it would be difficult for her to be someone else. It’s not like Cardi B is going to record a track and then she’s a different person outside of the studio – she’s still Cardi B. Cardi, Ludacris and Tyrese could all have their own entry music! “
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